My so called two month relapse has now become a two year relapse

I thought I was gonna be able to get myself back out of this relapse before it became to much of a problem, but how wrong was I, and now I have lost another two years of my life to this devil of a drug and it is taking more and more from me every day I continue to use

How do i start to express the way I feel towards this man, and to thank him for helping me out as much as he can!
He is my uncle, but his even more than that, because he became a god-father to a cheeky but loveable little bratt.
When my father passed away alot of his family just left mum and drifted away. Not Anthony tho he stayed and never forgot us.
He showed me how to fix my bike when I was young, every time I saw him I got excited coz me and him always had fun!

Addiction. ... Much more than just doing drugs

Addiction is much more than just doing drugs, it's trying to control your brain and switch off your addition plugs. I say plugs and not plug because addiction comes with so much more than just doing drugs. It brings negative emotions to all that use, the people who you love your sure to abuse.
While I'm using I want to be clean, then wen I'm clean I just want to use, I just seem to end up dazed and confused.
The hardest fight we ever have is one with our self's, because we know wot we are doing to our mind and physical health. Today I'm in a better place then before, I no life will get even better of that I'm sure.
So many years lost to drugs, now living with claps and hugs is still kinda strange, but with out them how else am I meant to change.

a day I will never forget. For the first time I saw the damage I was doing to my self by using drugs

   
               I REMEMBER THIS DAY.

IT was a time when I realised what I was doing to my body was a crime. Standing in the police station using their phone, while standing and waiting for the phone's tone I looked at my arms and felt very alone. Stood in a t-shirt I looked at my arms and for the first time my mind sets off alarms.
They was all swollen and red because they were the sites my drugs had been fed. The phone tone was now ringing in my ear, my heart beating because my mother's voice is what I was waiting to hear.
She picked up and spoke and as soon as she did my voice choked. Then I cried down the phone saying "mum what have I done". As always she said "don't worry I'm here for you, your my first born son and I'll always be there for you coz I'm your mum".
Now that was many years ago now and I've managed to stay away from needles for over 10 years some how.
The police arrested me that day and locked me down. If they hadn't I'd be 6ft under the ground.

My mother

I'm writing this just for my mum, so I can thank her for all that she's done. My name is Darran and I'm her eldest son, who is also her favourite one. Me and you have seen and been through alot with each other, I lost my dad but not my mother, one in a million that's why I love her. Wot she dun for me my sister and brother makes her so much more special then an ordinary mother. The first year or two woz the hardest after dad died, i no that from the amount we cried. Donna and Thomas was to young to really remember much from that time, they was robbed of there memories and that was a crime. The first few years after he died was the years that I just cried and cried. Now I'm older and handle it better, but I'd give anything to hear from him, even a card or a letter.mum and  Dad we just want you to know that are love for you will never ever go.

A little piece of how I was feeling one day while I was staying away from class A drugs

Saturday 2nd April 2016 and I've had a bad day, not using woz easy yesterday but it's hard 2day,  I've had such a good day until the cravings kicked in and changed my mood,  I need to stop thinking of drugs and just have a joint and some food,

This is about a very good friend of mine who passed away before his time

Where do I start wen talking about my mate, sorry not a mate a true brother. Only difference woz we had a different father and mother. About 8 or 9 years old is wen we started being little shits, causing are adults to have mental fits. Me Steve and Phil catching pigeons from their little nan's window, feathers everywhere in her room before we'd let em go. Then it went from there to Richmond Park, Sat at the isabella plantation fishing in the dark. I remember one time ova at pem-ponds in a rubber dingy, blove the fuka pulled out the air cap thingy. I looked at him and said " I can't fukin swim" cheeky fuka just looked at me with a big grin.
Now I'm splashing in the water getting ready to drown, while Steven and Philip are still laughing and messing around. I splashed and crashed til I reached Stevens hand, jumped on his back and shouted " get me back to land ". The 3 of us always laughed and joked that I held on so tight Steven almost choked.
A few years later and we are still on good form, the next bit I tell you happened just before are boys were born. Me Steve and Butler all in Steves car, pulled up in a garage at about 12 at night, wen all of a sudden them 2 woz having a fight. I steamed right in and hit one on the chin, it's now 3 on 3 not 3 onto 2, and we did wot we had too. Which was win. Now it's all done and we are going to go, wen out of nowhere a fire eextinguisher came through the window.
Just under 10 years later and we are still on good form just like we should but maybe we'd been up to things that wernt to good. I was locked away in a prison cell for doing something wrong, wen who appears and comes walking along?  Steven Byrne is on A-wing  doing a 3 ( yrs ) that was the same sentence as me. Right off the bat we got a double cell, sometimes it was great and sometimes it was hell. But never did are brother hood faulter in 12 / 13 months together, we had each other's back's no matter what the day or the weather.
The laughs and jokes that I had with this man, this friend. My brother was laughs that I'll never get from another. I remember the last time I saw you layed at rest, my heart was thumping hard in my chest.

Love ya Steve.  Doc

Class A's mighty power! I wrote this on a day I was struggling not to score, but the cravings beat me on this day, but I'm doing better 2day

It feels like pure madness wen u sit and think about it. Your telling yourself " I don't want to do this, I'm not gonna do do it" Then at the same time your thinking and telling your self your not going to do it but you find yourself making the calls and sorting the money. All against my will for me filthy drug honey.
I'm betraying myself all by myself and that ain't good, I wish it was easier to do wot I should.
They say " Their is no might with out a little fight"
Beating and winning this fight is gonna take me all of my might, but it's as simple as this "wots right is right and your life is worth a fight. It's not just me I'm failing wen I say "fuk it I'm bailing". She is my partner who's in the same place, she don't want to use she wants to give it some space. Wen I use so does she coz thats the power of white and B. It needs to stop Now! For Her sake and mine I've gotta stay stopped some - how!  I want the same as wot she does 100 percent, it's just some times my straight Road goes a little bent. If I let her down I let myself down, which means I've let us down, and all for wot?  Some fukin white n Brown. Today I was weak and crumbled to its power, wen all I wish now is I'd waited and gave it an hour. I might of felt and dealt with it different in an hour, instead i caved into the drugs mighty power.

My dogs

Until you have had one your never know the loyalty of a dog and the love it will show.
No matter wot you do wrong or right your dog's loyalty will 4EVA stay tight.
Their is no such thing as a bad dog, A person's dog is like a small cog, the person being the bigger of the two, that's why the dog will do wot ever it's told to do. The big cog turns and the small one follows.
Their ain't bad dog's only bad owners who with out their dogs are just no good loners.
These people have no hearts, they treat and replace their dogs as if they were spare parts.
 Your dog relies on you people so treat em well

I've made it sound lighter than it was at the time, I was homeless and very desperate during this period

                   The parking meter touch. 

It first started one night wen I woz out and about, I woz swinging off parking meters and messing about, that's how I found out wot I found out.

I swung from one as I walked past it, but as I did I felt it wobble abit. It woz a double meter with two heads, So I thought I'd come back wen people woz in their beds. At about two in the morning while the world woz sleeping and yawning, I went Beck to the road with the loose meter head, so I could tear it off while they aall slept in their bed.

It came off alot easier than I thought, but now I can take em off coz I've been self taught. Carrying the meter back to the estate woz harder than I thought, it woz heavy as fuk and I woz worried I'd get caught.

I got to the estate safe and sound and layed the meter down onto the ground. Grabbed the hammer and flat head driver, put it to the lock and smashed it threw.Now I know how to open em and wot to do
I opened the locks with one last smash, now it's time to empty and count the cash.I was shocked at wot came out of it in the end, £ 270 is now in my pocket ready to spend. After this first meter is wen it really started, I mean walking down the road all you'd see would be meters with their heads parted.
Double meters were the best to do. We've all heard the saying " ones not as good as two".
Over a period of about 6 months or so every time I saw a meter I'd give it a go. After a while I had it down to a T, I'd put my hat out and watch it pay as if it was a fruity.That's another reason I done so many coz a bag of twenties still makes a pretty penny

This is something I've written about a time I was on class A drugs and had my flat raided by the police. Let me know wot you think of this ppl

December 3rd 2003

In my room sat smoking a pipe wen out of nowhere everything got real hype. The glass from the bedroom window came smashing threw, " Wot the fuk woz going on? I hadn't a clue"
Shouting and banging is wot I heard first, then all of a sudden"BANG"the door opened with a burst.
Fukin police raid is wots going on, but so fukin high I'm thinking I've done nothing wrong.
My thinking woz the yardies in the front room woz selling the drugs,  so I'm just thinking "hurry up and go you mugs".
The police never see it the way I did and nicked me aswell...all of a sudden this day started to look like a day from hell! They cuffed me up and took me away, 9 in the morning wot a way to start my day
Now I'm in interview and they ask me " Wot have you got to say" I gave them a simple reply coz I couldn't think of a decent Lie.
 "No comment" I said nice and loud, not knowing I was now under a nasty cloud.
All along in my head I'd done nothing wrong, yh I had drug dealers there but I'll move em on.
My way of thinking was completely blinded coz I'd seen ppl get away with the same thing I'd did.
I was found with no drugs on me or even in my room, well apart from a few rocks on the table which was mine to consume,  the big parcel and money was on the other bloke, so wot could I get charged with this was a joke, well that's how I thought but oh wot a lesson I was taught.
Apparently letting dealers sell from your house is a chargeable offence, that's why they were watching and filming from ova the neighbours garden fence.
Operation smurf was the name of the task force,
2× conspiracy to supply class A, but they didn't stop there.
2× knowingly concerned in the supply of class a drugs, now I'm thinking " slow down you mugs"
No they kept right on and gave me 2 more, which I thought was wrong coz fukin hell I'd done nothing wrong. Well that's the way i looked at all this, I honestly thought they were taking the piss.
The next 2 charges were the ones that hurt most.
2× allowing my premises to be used for the sale of class A drugs.
I've gone from smoking in my room with out a care to sitting in a cell pulling out my hair. Even after being charged and kept in till Court I was still kinda thinking the same thought as wen I was first caught. Which was " I ain't done anything wrong so wot the fuk was going on? ".
Court The next morning is wot they said, so back to me cell to lay me head.
Early next morning they open the door, by this time I was feeling sore, I was in a bad way and just wanting to get to court and hear wot they had to say. Up in the dock in kingston mags praying for bail, but no such luck they sent me to jail.
3rd of December 2003 was a bollocks day for me.
At the end of it all they gave me a 3 (yrs)
but wot did I really do?  It baffles me

afew lines about past memories

The memories in the back of your mind can be cruel or they can be kind. We play them back as if on rewind. 
Most can be happy but some can be bad, the thought of certain memories will make you quite sad. 
Doc